To the sea

Mum100-blog-IVF-embryo-transfer-bleeding-loss-acceptance-trustFirst of all, a big thank you, to all the bloggers and tweeters who have supported us during our first IVF cycle. Your encouragement and suggestions have been a blessing. The kindness of strangers is remarkable.

Dad 100 and I are now initiated in the dark side of IVF. Until now, fertility treatment has been a long, but mainly procedural, road including:

  • dozens of hospital appointments (thankfully, close to our home)
  • giving up generous quantities of my blood (that’s fine, I can make more!)
  • countless tablets, injections, supplements and suppositories
  • some emotional ups and downs (Mother’s Day was tough, for example, but mainly there has been hope in abundance)
  • two operations with anaesthetic for me
  • one date with the ‘procurement room’ for Dad 100 😉
  • Olympic-level googling

Overall, our minds were focused on being a first time IVF success story. I pictured receiving my embryos, which our doctor said were good quality blastocysts (oh, the pride when they passed their first test!). I imagined my womb lining as the perfect home for our blasters. I considered how much time I might need off work in the first trimester. I saved every penny I could for maternity leave. The tale I was telling myself was that IVF was as simple as I allowed it to be.

How IVF 1 turned out

Our first IVF journey has taken fifteen months – from attending our first consultation and patient information evening in February 2015, to today, eight days past our double embryo transfer. The transfer was one of the happiest days of my life. Dad 100 was glowing with happiness when we came out of theatre. His face reflected everything I felt inside – the long process was worth it, for the love and connection we felt.

Then, I had some spotting on day three past embryo transfer. I have been bleeding heavily since day four. I am still taking oestrogen and progesterone, as advised by our hospital. However, I don’t have any pregnancy symptoms – and if there was the faintest swirl of nausea, or the tiniest twinge of sore breasts, I would be hanging on to that right now!

On Friday, we have our blood test (day ten past embryo transfer) – the hospital have brought the test forward, due to the amount of bleeding. If we get a negative result, then at least I can stop the meds, including the delightful Cyclogest (which actually isn’t that bad). If we get a positive test result, well, I will officially hand over everything I think I know in a bag marked ‘bollocks’ – then I will dance the tango along Homerton High Street.

Kindness is everything

What has been amazing over the past few days is the kindness that Dad 100 and I have shown to each other. We have talked whenever we needed. We have felt angry and sad and then absolutely fine, and then angry and sad all over again. We both know how important it is not to direct anger at one another. We have just said a lot of nice things to each other, which shoos away the fear and loneliness that creep up.

We’ve had some fun too, including some spontaneous meals out. It really does help to get out, especially when the sun is shining. After 3 days heavy bleeding, I relaxed my ultra-nutritious pregnancy menu and had this f**king gorgeous pizza instead – guilt free.

Mum100-blog-IVF-embryo-transfer-pizza-guilt-free

We’ve also decided to go on holiday. We went to a couple of travel agents, because our planning brains have turned to mashed potato. However, the packages weren’t right for us. Our focus was to find warmth and blue sea – the kind of gentle, turquoise water that you get in the Caribbean. So, last night, we booked our flights to Ibiza – leaving on Monday 6th June. We’re going clubbing, people, we are going clubbing! Party all night, sleep on the beach all day!

Only kidding 😉 When we arrive, we’re taking the ferry from Ibiza Town to Formentera – the very relaxed little sister of Ibiza. Formentera is a small island, which mainly consists of beaches like this. GET IN!!!

Mum100-blog-embryo-transfer-holiday-formentera

(Photo credit: Trip Advisor)

We’ve found a lovely hotel with a pool and spa facilities. They do the best breakfast on the island, including baking all their own bread and pastries. We going to hire mopeds and explore the island and swim swim swim.

My future kids are very happy about this adventure. I am relieved and delighted to say that they’re still with me. When the bleeding first started, I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to connect with my family vision anymore. I feared the trust had gone. In the past, I have walked away from things I have wanted, when they have become tough. Would it be the same with this?

I cried when we did our first meditation after the bleeding started – the peace was overwhelming. However, once I settled into the meditation, the experience was wonderful. Mum100-blog-IVF-embryo-transfer-bleeding-loss-acceptance-trustI saw a picture of my family in a rowing boat at sea, an image which sums up how I feel. We definitely need to work out our new direction, but we’re all still on board, and we are united.

In meditation, I also saw another picture of Dad 100 and me, swinging our future kids round in circles, their faces delighted with how dizzy their Mum and Dad are getting. Future kids, we love you. We’re willing to wait for you. We will step up as best we can to the challenge ahead.

Dad 100 has banned any further IVF research for the rest of this week, because yesterday I went into manic research mode. We have decided to get a second opinion from a private clinic. I spent some time on the Human Fertilisation & Embryology Association website, looking at success rates for fertility clinics in the UK. I made myself feel rubbish, however, looking at how success rates decline as women get older. Dad 100 said it was too soon for figuring out the next steps and he was right.

cool_sunglasses_emoticonSo for now, our focus is on rest, laughter and gratitude. We are feeling the feelings as they come. We are letting them go when they go. And we are getting excited about our little holiday!!

 

Advertisements

21 thoughts on “To the sea

  1. Hey. I’m sorry it’s not looking promising for this cycle. I can absolutely attest to the healing power of Getting Away From It All! Seriously. We did that last time (when I was having the miscarriage) and it really helped. I think escapism is good! And the Balearics are awesome! I hope you have a great time. Also… I am in East London too. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah, we are neighbours!! How wonderful to know you are nearby. Thank you for your kind words – holiday seems the best thing to do. I am inspired by your courage and others too. It really does lift me when the sadness gets to me. How are you, Nara? Is all okay with you? I really hope and pray this is your time x x x

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I just posted an update. I’m going a bit mental with the waiting! Yes you are in the trendy part of EL and I’m in the dodgy part (near CW)! It’s funny to think we are nearby. Maybe we were at the same clinic? (Mine’s in the city.) Blogging has definitely been a lifeline for me throughout this process. It’s great to know there are people who understand and to feel not alone in all this. Sending you hugs. Xx

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I shall read your update now – aaaaagh, the waiting, I feel for you. Never again will I underestimate the mental twists of the two week wait. You must be close to your blood test now, right? x I will read your post, to get up to date. Regarding our clinic, we’re with Homerton. x Thank you for hugs and understanding x

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You are so right- a holiday is needed and no research allowed. I read a brilliant book called “get a life – q his and her survival guide to IVF” which really helps me when I thought our cycle was over. It’s funny because No one dare talk about it failing when you’re in the throws of it – I felt like someone should tell me how to react and if they didn’t then I’d need google to tell me.
    What you have is so precious – love. Love for one another and love for your future family. Sod any diets – eat pizza, white bread and sausage rolls (I’m northern sausage rolls are a necessity). Friday will be tough but it will also give you an answer – be aware though (and I don’t say this to give you any stress) I had a blood test early due to my bleeding and the hcg was really low – I think it was 15 – I assumed that meant I wasn’t pregnant but a week later it was 570. I’m not sure if that is helpful as obviously you just want to know on Friday but the hcg would be very low at this point. I’m thinking of you often and hoping that if this one doesn’t work the next one will! Be strong! Be loved!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. hahahaha, I love the northern sausage roll thing. That’s brilliant! I was a chips and gravy girl, during my time in Leeds, maybe it’s time to indulge in that! That’s got me thinking about your test – maybe I will keep the meds up a little bit longer, just to be safe. Out of interest, did you get given your HCG number or did you have to ask? I will definitely ask them if I should keep up meds to be safe – a few more days of bum bullets won’t kill me!! I will get that book, sounds ideal.

      Like

      1. They told me that the hcg was very low but it was so early. Was only the next week that the nurse said ” so last time your levels were low at 15 so we need to see if they are higher or lower”. Wish I’d asked after the first test.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Really good to know this in advance of Friday. Thank you. I’m glad you told me x x x Are you doing anything nice tonight? It’s feet up on the sofa for me (otherwise known in this household as “Position 1”) 🙂

        Like

      3. Basically my day goes like this – get up throw up, go to work throw up, come home from work throw up and then sleep – I’m currently in bed eating an ice lolly – life is perfect

        Liked by 1 person

      4. HAHAHAHAHA!!! So funny the way you write that (obv. not so funny that you’re going through this). I LOVE that you are eating an ice lolly in bed. That has made me and the fella laugh so much – thank you. And I hope the sickness passes soon x

        Like

      5. Sickness is my closest friend / it’s the constant reassurance – I am loving ice lollies and ready salted crisps / can’t stomach anything healthy

        Liked by 1 person

    1. I had some lovely chocolate. My Mum came for lunch. I went back to bed afternoon. I can feel my spirit rising steeply this afternoon 🙂 Huge waves of gratitude for our little world on here. I just get that sense that something good will come of all this x What flavour ice lolly are you having today?

      Like

      1. I’m having a helper skelter lolly tonight! Such treats!! Hard day at work – one more week till two weeks off hurrah! Afternoon snooze sounds fab. When you off on hols?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Ah, helter skelters! That definitely appeals to the kid in me. Love it. I’m glad you’re getting a holiday soon, keep focused on that. We’re going away on 6th June – really excited! We booked a nice airbnb in Ibiza Town for the last couple of nights, after our stay on Formentera island. When we get back, I’ll need to pick up some new client work, but until then, it’s me time 🙂 x x

        Like

    1. Ah thank you – it’s been a strange one. Just did another post. Feeling a lot of hope this evening – that our time will come. How are you today? Bet you’re glad it’s the weekend? x

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s