A blog about making decisions and new hope…

…but first, a yell from the kitchen!
‘What’s wrong?’ I called down the stairs.
‘They’re back,’ Dad 100 said.
I knew straight away. The pitter patter of tiny feet!

They first came in the spring. Our landlord sent in builders to repair holes. For months, there wasn’t a whisker. Then our rental contract came up for renewal. At the time, we talked about moving but IVF1 was well underway. So we signed for another six months. And now, they’re back – mice!

Mum100blog_mouse_cheese_baby_mouse_happy

This isn’t bad news, however…

…it’s actually a helpful development. The little squeakers have helped us make a decision we’ve been putting off because of IVF. We’ve decided to see if it’s possible to buy a house. There will be many steps to achieve this dream but it’s great to start the process. The big baby question doesn’t have to hold up the rest of our life.

Making this decision has released so much hope, including about our second embryo transfer later this month. IVF and pregnancy loss have made me feel powerless at times, so I’m truly grateful for this renewed inspiration. There’s a saying that ‘when you polish over here, then it shines over there’. In terms of our hopes for a family, often the best thing I can do is to focus on something else. I have made the mistake of putting all my energy into creating a family. I have believed that if I give absolutely everything I have to this quest for a baby, then it has to work out – right? In reality, that single-mindedness wears me out.

Where does hope come from?

All this got me thinking about hope. Since making the decision to move house, a locked door has sprung open in my mind. Behind that door, there is bright light. It’s delightful to feel hope’s full beam once again. Why don’t I just decide to be hopeful all the time? Why has hope been stored away in such abundance? Surely it’s better to live my life focused on possibilities?

You can’t have one without the other

I think there’s a good reason why I can’t feel hopeful all the time. It came to me while I was doing this drawing. To colour the kite, instinctively I reached for purple and pink pens.

mum100-ivf-blog-hope-instagramLater, I remembered this balloon drawing, which I did in May 2016 after our doctor told us we had lost our first pregnancy. The purple and pink balloons were to acknowledge and release our loss.

Mum100-blog-IVF-miscarriage-balloons

So why are these drawings the same colours? It’s because hope and despair are made from the same raw materials, the experiences we go through in life. They only exist because of each other. To feel hope, I must also know despair. To appreciate fully when life is going my way, I must experience failure or the loss of things I love.

Paradoxical unity

Coincidentally, this week I picked up a book called Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life: Living The Wisdom Of The Tao. In this book, Dr Wayne Dyer explores the 81 verses of the Tao Te Ching, an ancient Chinese book of wisdom. Dyer describes the Tao as ‘the ultimate discourse on the nature of existence.’

Verse 2 of the Tao Te Ching is relevant to this theme of ‘paradoxical unity’.

Under heaven all can see beauty as beauty,
only because there is ugliness.
All can know good as good because there is evil.

Being and nonbeing produce each other.
The difficult is born in the easy.
Long is defined by short, the high by the low.
Before and after go along with each other.

So the sage lives openly with apparent duality
and paradoxical unity.
The sage can act without effort
and teach without words.
Nurturing things without possessing them,
he works, but not for rewards;
he competes, but not for results.

When the work is done, it is forgotten,
That is why it lasts forever.

I love this verse because it helps me understand why it is necessary to feel difficult feelings and go through painful experiences in life. Without them, I cannot appreciate the flip side – just how wonderful life can be. I love the idea of living ‘openly with apparent duality’ – for me, this is about surrendering to life’s twists and turns, accepting that the light and the shade are equally necessary.

Hope springs from taking action

For months, I have felt stuck in areas of my life, including where we live and changing my career. I have believed that I can’t make any big changes while we are going through IVF. Whilst there is definitely a good argument for taking one big thing at a time in life, I have found that recent decisions to move house and to study psychotherapy have recharged my spirit. Those decisions are generating positive actions to take in my life – actions which connect me to the world and make me feel excited about the part I can play.

An example of transformation

mum100-ivf-blog-hopeFinally, this gift arrived. It was a beautiful surprise from a friend in our community, Sofie. She read my last blog about my partner losing his Dad.

The timing of the delivery was inspired. My partner was having a very tough morning. On the surface, he was frustrated with work challenges. Underneath, it was only days after his Dad’s funeral. The doorbell buzzed and he went downstairs to answer the door. He brought a parcel back up to our flat. It was addressed to both of us.
‘What’s this?’ he said.
We opened it and then I explained – it was from someone who understood what he was going through.
‘I find that so amazing,’ he said. ‘People actually care.’

In that moment, his sadness was transformed to gratitude, thanks to this unexpected kindness.

Advertisements

16 thoughts on “A blog about making decisions and new hope…

  1. Lovely entry! I think that focusing on other areas of life is the key- I went through this before IVF – I basically renovated the whole house – new kitchen, bedroom etc – you can’t sit around and wait for a baby/pregnancy. What a year you have had – I can’t begin to know how things must feel but I get a sense from your blog entry that this is a new chapter – a release of sorts. I’m very proud of you – both of you

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh that’s a bugger about not being able to sleep. It makes you wonder why evolution made pregnancy so challenging – surely a design fault!! Hope you get some decent zeds soon. Is it your mind or body keeping you awake? X

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yeah tell me about it! I think it’s my body – app insomnia can be common in pregnancy. I think it’s getting slightly better so fingers crossed. Doesn’t help I need the loo a million times a night!! 😑. When do you start treatment for this cycle? X

        Like

      3. Ah I hope it improves darling. That must be knackering to be up and down all night. How many weeks are you now? We will be doing our second embryo transfer in about 2 weeks time – waaaaaaaaaah!!!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Such a lovely post. I love the balloons and the messages to your little ones. I also think you have to keep hoping for good things, whether they are baby related or not. When I took my new job, I didn’t know if this round of IVF would work – but I felt like I couldn’t put my life on hold because of it. And I’m much happier! Although it’s annoying not to get any maternity benefits! I imagine I could have stayed in my old job, stressed and unhappy, and it might never have happened. I think you have to try and grab happinesses in other parts of your life whilst you’re waiting. X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sorry for delay in answering Nara. We have our FET today!! So true what you write about not putting stuff on hold. So much better to be happy than put everything off, which I have been doing since the ectopic. Will catch up with your blog in my 2WW to distract myself. Hope all is well my lovely xxxxx

      Like

      1. Omg!! Wishing you tonnes of luck! I hope the TWW isn’t too horrendous! I’ve been away for work so not posted for a bit… I’m due one I think! Hope everything goes fantastically for you! Xx

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s