At 4.48am, Edgy McSpark wakes up, hot and scratchy. In his neon wisdom, he reaches for my mobile phone and starts flicking. He comes across “It Starts with the Egg” by Rebecca Fett. He pays for the book with my debit card and begins reading the first chapter.
“Oi, Professor Wilson,” Edgy says. “Come and have a read of this. It’s proper sciency.”
Professor Wilson jumps out of bed like Christmas on helium. He grabs the book. By 7am, he’s on page 225. His monkey mind fizzes with fertility research.
At 7.21am, the Professor and Edgy huddle in a corner of my bedroom. They decide that all Fett’s suggestions for optimising fertility must be implemented – TODAY. They pull my big toes until I agree to do everything they tell me.
Edgy, the Professor and I then read extracts from Fett’s very informative book to Dad 100, explaining why we’re doing fertility all wrong.
“We have to throw out every plastic item in the house,” I say. “Containers, bowls, spatulas – the lot.”
“Shall we have some tea first?” Dad 100 says.
Around 1pm, my brain short circuits.
“I’m going out for some sunshine and food,” I say.
“We’ve got our scan appointment at the hospital,” Dad 100 calls down the stairs.
I wander around Whole Foods with Edgy McSpark. There is now nothing I can buy in this shop. Every lunch choice is wrapped in plastic. Finally, I settle on the salad bar – filling my paper carton, leaving the plastic lid behind.
At the hospital, Evie the nurse and Dr Mehra greet us like old friends.
“How’s it all going?” Evie says.
“Edgy, monkey mind, but other than that – I’m doing really well.”
“Perfectly normal to get mood swings, hot flushes, sore breasts,” she says. “The Suprecur brings on a false menopause.”
“We’ll get you scanned to see how things are.”
Evie scans me with the magic wand. The lining is getting thinner, which confuses me a bit – but Evie and the doctor seem pleased. Evie shows me my ovaries on the monitor.
“Nice and quiet,” she says. “Just what we want to see. So, we’ll start you on the oestrogen. Three little blue pills, 6mg a day, same time as your injection. And you can reduce the Suprecur to 0.3ml. We’ll have you back on 2nd May for your second scan. We’ll soon be popping your embryos back in.”
As easy as that. Every muscle in my body relaxes. My reproductive organs are doing what they’re supposed to do. Perhaps I’m not dying from plastic poisoning after all. A smile spreads across my face.
After the hospital, Dad 100 and I go to the park.The trees along the pathway are giants. We decide they are 300 years old. We spread a big towel on the grass. We lie down in the sunshine and have a cuddle. We talk to our future kids. A plane leaves a white vapour trail across bright blue sky.